a year of beauty.

2010- what.a.year.

A year of loss.
A year of firsts.
A year of providence.
A year of love.
A year of blessings.
A year of beauty.

Hightlights and gifts of this year:
Hawaii with the Hamiltons.
A beautiful niece born on December 1st.
This list could go on. But...
More than anything- A good God. I am beyond confident when I say that. I couldn't have asked for better siblings, a more wonderful family, a job where I am surrounded with love for sweet little boys and a "second family", and friends that have been more than intentional and unbelievably consistent, especially this year. I don't deserve them. Thank you,Lord.

A year ago, doubt was surely overwhelming. Doubt of being able to function. Maybe I should rephrase that. Doubt of an ability to function the way that we used to. Immediately the Lord showed His greatness. I'm not sure I truly knew what that meant, until I lost someone that was such a huge part of me.

This year has consisted of vast growth. Thanking the Lord for how great His plan is and praising Him for not believing the opposite. I have met and known several individuals who have experienced this particular loss, in the past twelve months. Every part of me aches for those who have had to go through this, at such an early age. But, how grateful I am for them. Conversations and their friendships, have been a blessing beyond belief. So much of this year's growth, is due to the ability of walking with others in similar pain. Beautiful testimonies that fill your heart with strength and hope.

Psalm 147:3 says, "The Lord heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds". 2010 paints a huge picture of this verse. I miss my mom every single day- she is the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I picture before I go to bed. I still hear her voice, her contagious laugh, and long for her hugs. Some days, I wonder if it will get easier and then I stop myself and think... that overwhelming doubt is gone. I had no idea how the Lord would use time in my life, for good. Honestly, I was not sure if it was even a possibility. The God I know is bigger than I ever thought possible; bigger than the pain, despair and brokeness in this world. He is the God of all comfort and healer of all things.

Thank you Jesus, for a year of such beauty.

so much to hope for.

Sometimes, I wish I could expand a minute, an hour, or a day. 24 hours seems to be getting a lot shorter than I thought possible. (I sound like one of my parents). But really, I'd like to make time to do more, ie blog :) This summer has been filled with so much goodness and growth-- what was I thinking with this not blogging business? :)

Great events of the summer: My oldest niece turned 15. Old enough to drive? I ruptured an eardrum. My little sister turned 21. Old enough to walk into a bar? Ha. Spending a week with my fun fam in Sunriver (nothing traumatic happened this year:)), leaving my Starbucks family after spending 2+ adventurous years with them, camping with life long friends Labor Day weekend... so thankful for the people in my life.

One of my most favorite parts of the summer: Spending it with two beautiful little boys. Luke and Dylan are such gifts from the Lord. :) When I became their nanny in July 2009, I had no idea that my love could grow so big. I can't even put it into words. Every day I ask, how did I get chosen to do this? I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love their hugs, I love their kisses, I love talking about John Deere tractors, balers, and combines. I love being called Nenna. I love them more than anything. I am incredibly thankful for this past year- the Haeners are amazing. I feel so extremely loved by them and I can't imagine what life would be like without this family. :)

Today, I am feeling thankful. Looking back on this past year-- without my mom has been so difficult. I often wonder how the process of grieving will get easier. Someone who spoke on loss at church recently, said that the pain, the ache, and the grief, will never truly leave you, until you meet again in Heaven. I wholeheartedly believe that. I sure am thankful that the healing goes hand in hand with grief. And I've seen it with my own eyes, in the 9 months my mom has been gone.

He gives us so much hope. Sometimes I sit, think, wonder and pray- do many I know and love, feel this same sense of hope? I have a friend who lost his mom yesterday. My heart absolutely aches for him. I pray, pray, pray for feeling of comfort, peace and hope amidst deep pain. And I can only say, mostly, the feeling of peace and comfort comes from knowing that someone I loved so dear, is with Jesus. I pray he is overwhelmed with a similar feeling.

Thank you, Lord, for hope. Thank you for never leaving. Thank you for your goodness, your unfailing love, and faithfulness. Thank you for my family- for my dad and stepmom who love us more than ever, my sibling who make life exciting, the Haeners, and my dear friends. How you've blessed me.

Ollie, our little love bug.

After saying goodbye to what mattered most to my mom (second to her kids, of course. :)), six months ago, we got to say hello again to Ollie, today.

He was a chocolate lab that showed up on my mom's porch, one day. She fell in love instantly, but knew that with two other big dogs at home, our house would become more of a zoo. She took him the the shelter, and for a week, she called the shelter daily. Only hoping that someone who may have lost him would have claimed him. Or the possibility of someone walking in, would gaze into his sweet eyes, would fall in love with him,just like my mom did. Ollie still didn't have a home. They told my mom that because he was born with such a bad hip, they would most likely euthanize him. What did my mom do? Paid money to get him back and welcomed him into our home. :)

Quickly, he was a part of our family. He was one of the best parts about coming home, when I left for college. One of the sweetest dogs we had ever had-- so gentle in spirit, sensitive and such a lover.

Ollie and my mom's two other dogs, became her immediate family, when we were all out of the house. If my mom didn't have these dogs to love on her, I most likely would have been worried sick. :) She loved them immensely, and those dogs loved her more than anything in the world. When my mom passed away, it was completely evident how sad they were. The person that loved them for so long, fed them, spoiled them, took them to the dog park, was gone. Having to say goodbye to them, was one of the most hard things, after we lost our mom.

Day in and day out, I think about them. I praise God that there were homes available for them. Not just any homes, but homes where they would be loved, as much as my mom loved them.

Today, Elissa and I went to visit Ollie at his new home. He looked as happy as ever. Running around with another chocolate lab and a little chihuahua. His new family loves him to pieces and told us repeatedly today, we could visit whenever we wanted. So thankful to see him today. He hasn't changed. He's still a lover and has that gentle spirit. We are so thankful. We know our mom is too. :)

We will Continue to Celebrate with Her

Last June 26th, I was driving home :) I always loved driving home, always excited to see what the weekend would bring. This particular weekend was going to be special. I hadn't celebrated a birthday at home in five years. I also had not celebrated a birthday with my niece for several years, I had lost count. (My cute niece was born on my birthday when I was ten, ever since then, birthdays have been extra special).

I had been awaiting this weekend at home with great anticipation-- getting to be with my siblings, my nieces and nephew, my dad and Kristi, and especially my sweet mom. Any of you that I've talked to lately, have probably heard me say at least once, birthdays are not a big deal, but my mom made them a huge deal. Always. She made them special, no matter what age you were turning. I can recall her making this extraordinary birthday cake for my dad one year. She spent hours working on this cake. It was layer, upon layer, upon layer. It was a pretty tall birthday cake :) And she topped the whole thing off with raspberries. It was beautiful. Or when my sister was little, she was obsessed with Sesame Street. My mom made her a Snuffleupagus cake. If I would have asked her to make me a Little Mermaid birthday cake, she would have done it in a heartbeat. This just shows who my mom was. I was excited to finally spend another birthday with her.

As I drove up my street, for the millionth time in my life, the first thing that typically came to my mind was a hug from my mom, next would be attacked and loved by the dogs. I couldn't wait. The sun was shining, it was hotter than ever (because it's Medford), the neighbors were out helping my mom's yard look pretty for her family. They had been such a blessing, helping my mom out when she was not feeling well. I got the big hug I wanted and had been waiting for from my momma. Ollie and Bella, our chocolate lab and weimaraner, did their usual whine and excited jumping, as I walked in the door. It was good to be home.

As ridiculous as it sounds, my mom has put streamers up on my bedroom door to wake up to on birthday mornings, since I was a little girl. My niece, Lillie, and I woke up to streamers that morning on the 27th. :) It was a great day of celebrating. Believe it or not, I have missed summer days in Medford. I don't miss the hot heat, by any means. But I miss walking into our house, with the air conditioner cranked up, and my mom cooking in the kitchen. It was one of her great loves. She loved to cook, she loved to cook for her kids, and she was great at it too :) That night she made one of my favorite birthday dinners-- flank steak and her amazing potato salad that we all loved. And for birthday cake- some sort of pound cake with lemon and lemon shavings on top. She went all out. She always did.

It seems like yesterday I was driving home, awaiting that hug from my mom and to celebrate with family. Who would have thought that my mom would not be here a year later. I cannot say how thankful I am that I got to spend that birthday with my mom. Birthdays showed who my mom was, and still is.

I have never missed someone more than anything in the entire world. Inevitably, birthdays, Thanksgivings, Christmases, will have something missing. I am excited though to get creative. To ask myself, how would she celebrate? How can we honor her? She would not want her kids mourning her death, but to move on with her legacy. She would not want anything, but to bless us with pure joy during these special days. I am so very thankful. I am sure that my siblings can attest to the fact that we were blessed immensely to have such a selfless mom...and we still are. Her love and legacy will continue on.

"From Sunday to Sunday: Sharpies to Heaven"

Six months and one week ago: I called my mom freaking out that a sharpie pen exploded all over my clothes and my dryer.

Six months ago today, on a Sunday: My mom, my best friend, went to be with Jesus.

I can't help but get teared-filled eyes-- of joy, of Love, of countless blessings, mourning the loss of one of my dearest loves, and the excitement that fills me more and more every day-- that one day we will meet again in Heaven, with our sweet Jesus.

I can't help but think of those last precious hours spent with my mom. Finding out at 1230pm that we wouldn't be taking my mom home, but she would be going to her real and greater Home in Heaven, was an indescribable. I thought I was dreaming. It was the end of the world, as I knew it. Questioning my big brother over and over again: "How are we going to make it through this?" And instead of waiting for him to answer, I answered quickly for him, "We can't go on without her, we can't, there's no way we can". It was in that split second, it crossed my mind: my mom is joining Jesus today. My mom is entering the Kingdom of Heaven. What a gift. No weeping, no hurt, no pain, no suffering, no sickness. It's all swept away. She was going to be held in the arms of our dear Lord. And at that moment, I could not help but feel great peace.

I'll never forget putting on those scrubs and mask and walking in that hospital room. My mom probably would have hated anyone seeing her the way she was. I could just picture her telling all of us to leave the room :) To the rest of us, she looked like a true angel. An angel that was put through years of craziness with her four children, but no matter what, was our rock, put us before herself all the time, and reminded us daily of what was right and what was true. My mother's love was an honorable example of Christ's Love for all of His children...and I will repeat myself over and over: we were blessed. We are blessed.

We were being prepared in those next few hours. Some get years of knowing that their life would soon be ending, some get months, some get less than 24 hours, and some get no time at all to prepare for what may come. Nevertheless, it's something one cannot ever prepare their mind and heart for. Someone can pray to God daily, to ask for preparation. The Lord can comfort those in mourning a loss or a loss that is to come, but that void, inevitably, is there, as though part of you is missing.

Though she wasn't awake, we were confident that our mom still was listening to every word. That last time I walked into her room, I was with my amazing and stronger than ever sister-in-law. We held my mom's hand, we patted her leg, and every breath she took was such a gift from God.

The last time I spoke to my mom, the tears left, and a wave of confidence filled that room. It was not me, by any means, but the Holy Spirit speaking right through. So confident that our Lord had prepared a beautiful and unfathomable place for her in His Kingdom. A place of rest, no worry, no pain, where she would be renewed. New legs, new feet, a new body, a new life. This was only the beginning.

We could not be sad for our mom :) Psalm 30:11 "You have turned my mourning into joyful dancing..."

When my mom passed at 5:13pm that Sunday afternoon, peace overflowed through my body. I pictured my mom saying, "I have no more pain, no more tears, I am with our Creator- the One who gives us a future and a hope. Being held by Him fills me up more than ever before. I am more than okay, Jenna, and how I love you so-".

I have never seen my mom look more peaceful than she did after she passed away. A part of me went missing that day. I could no longer call my mom and vent to her about something as superficial as sharpies. I could no longer call her at the end of the day, every day, and ask her how her day had been. I would no longer celebrate another birthday with her. I would no longer open presents with her around the Christmas tree (or eat her clam chowder she made every year on Christmas Eve).

There is a big but with this! Our mom is celebrating in Heaven. Praise God she doesn't work anymore! Praise God she gets to celebrate Christmas in Heaven-- what a glorious picture! Glory be to God :)

Last night, while I was working at Starbucks, one of my favorite regulars came in. Every night he comes in and gets a quad venti latte, just for his wife. I asked him how his week had been and he looked at me and said, "Jenna, it's been a really tough week". He then continued and said, "I lost my father this week". My heart went heavy for him- I asked him how old his dad was. He said, "He was 95. He lived a long and great life. We even got to go to Spirit Mountain to gamble the day before he passed". Then he looked at me again and started crying and said, "But Jenna, even though he was 95, I miss him more than anything in the world". I looked at him with my teary eyes and said, "Of course you do". I told him that I lost my mom 6 months ago today. I did not tell him to take away from any of his pain. I don't tell anyone in hopes they feel sorry or saddened for me and my brother and sisters. I can only pray that those are who suffering are comforted. Those that are hurting are given a glimpse of hope. Those who may not know Jesus, will see what His Good News brings. He responded by saying, "I can't imagine losing a parent in my 20's-- I'm 65 years old and losing my dad has been one of the hardest things imaginable". I was thankful for that moment last night. Realizing again, that no matter what age you are, there is still great pain in the loss of someone so dear. I am not alone. He is not alone. We walk together through these hills and valleys.

The Future Glory- Romans 8:18-28:
18 Yet what we suffer now is nothing compared to the glory he will reveal to us later. 19 For all creation is waiting eagerly for that future day when God will reveal who his children really are. 20 Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, 21 the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay. 22 For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. 23 And we believers also groan, even though we have the Holy Spirit within us as a foretaste of future glory, for we long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children,[a] including the new bodies he has promised us. 24 We were given this hope when we were saved. (If we already have something, we don’t need to hope[b] for it. 25 But if we look forward to something we don’t yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.)
26 And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. 27 And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers[c] in harmony with God’s own will. 28 And we know that God causes everything to work together[d] for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.